You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
