i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think my moral compass just broke
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