Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
