Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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