You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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