I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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