Your tits are I can't wait for
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
