Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
