i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
