Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
