how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
not ubering you a puppy
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
