I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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