so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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