Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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