You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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