I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
