It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
