I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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