Dual....:-)
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
