So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
