i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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