it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
