the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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