I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
