she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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