Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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