end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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