You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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