Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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