you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just want nice things and good sex
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
