My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
