So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
