There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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