first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It's just like the Real World with babies
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
