If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize