for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
