I wanna passion pit in your ass
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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