Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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