I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
