Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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