if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
