When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize