Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
