I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize