i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
