I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
