my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
