He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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