I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
