So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
