just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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