Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
