Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize