i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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