I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
