So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
