Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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