I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
