I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
