This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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