Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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