note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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