onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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