So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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