I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
