I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
