So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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