i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
