Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
