Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
