You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
