We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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