According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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